My Journey Through The Search For Inspiration
February 12, 2013 at 9:29 PM
As I'm unable to sleep on December, 20, 2010, 4:50am, I was inspired to document the journey through the uncovering process of my life's purpose. For some reason, I felt within the need to share with all what I've been going through, to express the emotions and realizations that comes along with these life experiences.
I've learned that when we are faced with destruction in any area of our lives, we're forced to search within for guidance and answers. Answers, that will provide opportunity for transformation. This felt true to me, they say, feeling is the language of the soul, however, I needed to experience it to fully understand it's meaning..
After the loss of my mother (10/30/2010), I felt DESTROYED. I had reached the lowest point in my life.. My parents were my reason, the motivation in my life that's helped me continue to fight in this world, as I call it, "the game of life." Now, all I'm left with is the emotion of pain and desire to surrender.
I began to go downhill after we were told my mother had level 4 breast cancer in the year of 2009. Once she passed, it was the last straw, I didn't want to be here anymore (in every sense of the phase), I simply wanted to check out.
I felt lost, with no sense of purpose and direction. I did not know what to do with myself. I've been programed to work and work to provide my parents all I can because it made me feel better as a person. It helped me feel as if I was getting closer to my destiny/goal. A destiny I've been planning for since I was a little girl. As a child, I had three wishes I would always announce after seeing a falling star, and when I was ready to go to bed........Be worthy enough to go to Heaven, health for my family and wealth so I can support my parents AND all the less fortunate people in the world(What a big dream huh) Lol..
All these years working for a goal, that now can't apparently be fulfilled?!?... So, what now, WHAT'S NEXT???
After continuously feeling depressed, tired, and disappointed, I realized that wasn't going to change anything... I was still "here." Waking up every morning, breathing, faced with this life that apparently continues for everyone else. So the question to self was, do I really wish to continue to live purposeless? Have I had enough?
On December, 2010, I've taken the action to seek for passion. To feel the inspiration needed to introduce the hunger I lack to live in this playground known as Earth... I no longer wish to wait for change to occur or arrive for the happiness we all strive to reach. I wish to begin the change now.
Through my personal experiences, I did indeed understand that we are faced with destruction, to only get a bigger gift which is transformation. The transformation needed to ascend to another level of awareness or in a more simple perspective, to the next phase of one’s life..
The first actions I've taken, has been to meditate at least 3 times a week so I can release all the negative energy from my body and absorb positive and fresh energy. Find peace within and authentic happiness we all truly seek to reach and clear, fine tune, the channels that connect us humans to our divine selves, guiding us to truth, freedom and love.
Second, exercise 5 days a week so the energy within can flow accordingly, and have the ability to alien my physical self to the internal part of me.
Thirdly, follow all my "yesses" without psycho analyzing it. Pursue anything I wish to experience without the feeling of guilt, fear, or the feeling of not deserving it for whatever reason our monkey minds choose to paint it. No longer worry about money or partake in the "chasing money games" us Americans are consumed with. I want to find the beauty in everything and anything. From the beauty of doing nothing to the beauty of doing something, the choice is mine and how do I feel??? Relieved.
Perfect example.. Here I am writing my journey through this internal urge, when in the past I would have considered this a waste of time. "Need to be productive because there aren’t enough hours in the day to reach goals and monetary gain"...........
On January 8, 2011, I will be attending a class on dream analysis. It will teach me how to decipher dreams, specially the recurring dreams. Dreams to me, are very important because they deliver message. Clues of things or areas in our lives we need to address, accomplish, change in our awakening lives. On January 13, 2011, I will be attending an astral alignment class. It will teach me additional techniques in aiding me towards attracting my true purpose and passion. On January 16, 2011, I will be attending a cooking class since it's been something I've desired to learn BUT never had the opportunity to address it because I was too "busy." It's a food for life nutrition and cooking class series for cancer prevention and survival. I'm really excited to take this class because my father a few days ago had a dream of my mother telling him to let us know (my sister and I) to protect ourselves from cancer... An obvious message from my mother that what I was doing was needed!!!
December 27, 2010
It's Monday. Got back from the gym. Class today consisted of an hours worth of cycling, followed with Latin dance for another hour and how do I feel?? Great! It's been 13 days since I've joined the gym and have been attending diligently. I feel as if I have more energy, definitely feel good about myself AND recommend those who go or want to go to the gym take the classes they offer(cycling, sculpting, dance, etc.).. The instructors have the tendency to PUSH you more than what you can do for yourself, it's human nature......
I shall return soon to continue this journey. Until Then! =)
October 17, 2012
WOW, I'm soooo excited to share with all the deep transformation I've gone through since the day I decided to write this journal(12/20/2010)and declared change in my life.. I'm sure you're thinking, "what is that you FOUND throughout your journey?" I reply: I now know "WHO I AM"..... Will express in detail, by the end of the week. Stay tuned!
May 29, 2012
I’m back, after 1 year and 6 months later, re-visiting and documenting my current state of progress. It’s Tuesday, May 29, 2012, 1:30pm and I must say, it’s been an amazing ride, I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve been given the opportunity to learn more about myself these past couple of years and I can honestly state the biggest gift I’ve acquired is to be vibrating from a place of unconditional love…. I truly never knew the essence of having a relationship with self, until my mother passed. She gifted my life back, she gave me INSPIRATION!!!
Before her passing, I would always invest my time to everyone else but me. I felt my line of work carried a lot of responsibility and taking care of my parents was priority. Succeeding, meant placing my parents first. Unfortunately, through the process, I did not honor my health. I would take the quickest, easiest route and consume whatever was accessible no matter how unhealthy it was. My poor body was screaming out for help! We need to nourish and respect the vehicle God blessed us with because without our bodies, we won’t be able to experience life in physical form, as it was intended.
When I initially decided to meditate, exercise and follow all my yesses, to start the uncovering process of my soul’s purpose, I discovered so much about myself. For instants, when I first began to mediate, I noticed I was not very excited to do so, I found it to be somewhat of a chore. Then, as I went to the gym and attended the dance classes, I came to the knowing that dance was MY form of meditation. I really enjoyed expressing myself through this outlet, I found myself escaping to places I did not have to “worry”, dancing made me feel free. … It’s interesting to observe how dance strongly influences my life. I had to disconnect from it to experience how important it truly is to me. Those who don’t know me, dance has always been a passion of mine and apparently it’s drifted into the darkness when I had to be“responsible” and set my attention towards everyone/thing else(so I thought). Another observation I made was I didn’t have to meditate in the traditional manner to connect with God/sourse/higherself . I learned from a man under the name of Dyral Anka, AKA Bashar, that there’s really no “right way” of meditating, meditating simply is giving yourself a “permission slip” to connect with your higher selves or to the source/God. So, friends and family, anything you LOVE doing that takes you to that place of peace within, will open your senses and help you connect to divine, guiding you to your soul’s purpose!
After diligently working out, I lost weight and was physically looking how I was starting to feel internally. Unfortunately, I was no longer able to work out at the gym I was content with, because they had sold the business and closed their doors, therefore, was forced to be a member elsewhere, where I found the change to be an inconvenience due to the distance and classes that were not as challenging. Slowly, I started to drift away from the gym as well. Never the less, I intent to go back... =)
Now following my “yesses”, was an interesting experience. I can honestly say, without a shadow of a doubt, it’s guided me to my soul’s purpose. First major change I’ve made after taking the cooking class was to become Vegan inspired, being the BEST thing that could’ve possibly happened to me. However, I did notice that being an absolute vegan, at all times, can be difficult. Not eating cheese and seafood (especially sushi) was my biggest challenge, but I’m learning to let go. Once making this change, I noticed my body feeling lighter, with more energy, confirming the change of life style was the right course of action, not to mention, I’ve always suffered from tiredness so eating meat and processed foods, did not help my issue. Through embracing this plant-based diet, I was able to keep my weight off, a plus- I must say!! In addition, while experiencing a sense of happiness due to finally having a relationship with self, getting to know who I really am and following my highest excitements, I witnessed I was effortlessly closing my real estate deals that I initially had in the pipeline. In fact, I even received a high producer award that year (2011)and I didn’t have to worry, stress or even slave myself, as I did in the past, to get positive/successful results. It’s as if I had to “let go” of expectations and outcomes to receive what my heart truly wanted. Interestingly, right after the loss of my mother, I had declared to self that I was no longer going to work because I was angry at the fact I invested all my time towards work and a part of me wanted to rebel against it. So, when I decided to work again, I was investing minimal time to my occupation. I was angry at the circumstance, I felt as if I would have known my mother was going to pass, I would’ve re prioritized and invested my energy towards her, NOT work.. I must say, this experience has truly taught me to LIVE IN THE MOMENT because tomorrow is not a guarantee, anything can happen in between and all the energy invested in worrying and stressing about something that yet has not occurred, is a WASTE of time and memories you can make elsewhere. When one is vibrating from a happy, loving place, with zero expectation of the outcome, all falls into place. We no longer become resistant of what is. When one learns to let go of it all, you’re now allowing your higher self or God, if you will, to give you the experiences your heart truly desires. You no longer give your logic/mind all the power to manifest what you “think” you need to truly be happy. I’ve come to understand that your mind does not have the capacity to compute what God/higher self/Christ consciousness is able to conceive for you. Let the divine orchestrate your dreams, it’s what your soul wishes to experience.
Learning to decipher dreams has definitely been rewarding. It’s blessed me with the ability to understand my awakening life more clearly. This avenue, is a method I suggest all to venture in because it can aid you to messages that can set you free in so many different levels. One of my biggest realizations (among many) that took place on June 1, 2012, was to understand that I still had an attachment to someone that no longer served my higher good. I manifested the right event to help me experience and observe that I was attached to an idea or an outcome that was limiting my freedom. I was not allowing myself to be LOVED, to be the love essence that we are (love is free). Also, I would find myself dreaming of my mother and would ask myself what it all meant. I deciphered my dreams behind my mother, were to help me understand and heal deep wounds she did not want me to get caught up on, as SHE did when she was here. I know my mother’s desires for me, is to live a healthy, disease free life. A healthy life we all deserve to live. Witnessing my mother go through pain and struggles throughout her life, I uncovered when you’re still attached to anger, sadness, resentment, basically any negative emotion, you create energy blockages that cause imbalances in the body, where diseases manifest as an outcome. The human body is designed to cure itself as long as we are energetically balanced, which is the biggest challenge us humans are faced with now a days. We need to understand to forgive, let go, and love ourselves unconditionally. Only then, can we experience longevity and authentic happiness.
December 30, 2012 at 1:49am
It’s Sunday. I’ve been really excited to write on here…. It’s exciting to express how overwhelmingly happy and fulfilled I’ve been… In the month of September 2012, I made a major quantum leap. I learned through my dreams and listening to my body, since my body was going through some pain, that I had not forgiven the complete male energy (within and all around me). Apparently, I was still holding on to some feelings of betrayal and resentment. So, in the moment this unveiled, I choose to forgive every single male and female individual I’ve EVER came across with that perhaps might have hurt me in any way shape or form. Thereafter, I instantly felt a sense of oneness with all, I finally had felt complete/whole, WOW-I Must say. I remember feeling the desire to stay in that place forever..… After that experience, I started to attract all the necessary experiences needed to learn more of how I am and where I was heading. Listening to my favorite music definitely helped the healing process. Music is extremely special to me. It takes me inward where I can connect with HOME. They say singing is more powerful than praying and indeed, it’s blessed me with more hope, inspiration, and most importantly the feeling of LOVE. Again, I repeat, when you’re vibrating from a state of love and gratitude, you attract what your heart desires. You start to observe the “place” you’re currently in, is the priciest place you need to be. You realize all is perfect. You don’t need any more or any less; you don’t need anyone or anything outside of yourself to be COMPLETE, there’s simply NO LACK within YOU
I’ve concluded, my destiny in life was to experience all that I have and to feel the essence to feed and support all the less fortunate people in the world, however, not in the form of feeding them food or giving them money, BUT in the form of feeding their spirit. Food or money, is only a bandage to their issue. The issue needs to be addressed from the root of it. With no shadow of a doubt, I know my soul’s purpose is to help set us free from the restrictions we’ve placed against ourselves and permanently INSPIRE the lost so they can rise above their“misery," as they may see it at the time! As my mother, those I love and loved profoundly, have done for me.. And for that, I’m FOREVER GRATEFUL!
So, as I sit here, I KNOW the time is now to take action and be the change I want this world to be. Since laws of attraction never sleeps, the Divine has granted me the opportunity to aid many through the form of teaching a class about our inner wisdoms and reaching our full human potential.
To be most effective in anything you wish to shine onto others, one has to be the physical embodiment of that truth. Since the day I was born, my soul has been working on acquiring the necessary experiences to create a road map to internal freedom. I’m proud to announce and share with all, this new journey I’ve signed up for. This class starts on 01/10/2013 and I’m certain, much will unfold from this experience and that’s extremely EXCITING.
I’m sure many ask,“why are you doing this?"
I receive an immense amount of satisfaction and fulfillment when I see I’ve inspired another human being to alter their perspective in life and be more. Essentially, we’re all connected- we are one and we’re simply different versions of each other. Imagine how different people will see everything and treat one another, if they knew while hurting, hating and judging another, they were really doing this onto themselves.. . The question now is, would you continue to hurt, hate and judge another if you knew you were really judging, hating and hurting yourself??? If we can only remember this truth, I know our world will start to change. We would see the future with evolutionary eyes. Separation and fear is the grand illusion here, we just need to Re-Member the whole truth!
Until next time!
November 15, 2013
It’s Friday. I’ve been guided to continue documenting this journey of mine…. It’s now been 11 months that I’ve been conducting the Wheel of Co-Creation class and much has unfolded through the process… My heart revealed additional secrets… It unveiled and expressed more of my creative talents. . One of them being that apparently, I’m Picasso(the painter) the 2nd, hahaha, jk, just Josie Ochoa Meza, the “artista”...= P
It’s truly intriguing how it all occurred….I must say, I was kind of forced to reveal this to myself…
One week prior to my first class, I needed to enlarge the map of the Wheel of Co-Creation, Barbra Marx Hubbard, displays in her book called “Birth 2012 and Beyond”, with the intent to display it during class, for a better understanding of our collective objective. Fortunately, due to the procrastination on my end and the lack of time to get it professionally enlarged, I was forced to paint the map myself... At first, I was like “where do I begin?” Then, I realized I can go to the store and purchase a painting kit for beginners to facilitate the process and....... so I did!!!As I was painting away, I noticed the process to be soothing. I was feeling a connection with something grater/Divine… I then knew, through my feelings (remember, feelings is the language of the soul) that I wanted to continue to paint. In fact, I wanted to gift my future paintings to friends because a dear friend of mine gave me a painting that made me FEEL extremely special. This emotion inspired me to do the same for others, the power of giving and receiving and the ACTIONS that result from these "feelings"!!! When noticing my painting skills evolving rapidly, I knew something within yearned to manifest itself, thus, experiencing a high excitement level for what my future had in store. I just KNEW, my Higher Self, had a magical plan for me.…….
As my classes continued, I experienced many changes in the physical, emotional and spiritual aspect of me. I observed the moment I began to paint, I was losing weight stored for a long time now, all around my chest, right below my breast. For some time, that weight was a concern of mine.. I would find myself wondering how I can eliminate that extra, unnecessary weight because working out and eating healthy apparently, wasn’t enough.. Interestingly, when we began to learn about the Chakras and their functions, I realized HOW, I was FINALLY losing the access weight all around the chest, below my breast..
And, how did the realization come through???
Understanding the Chakras.. Chakras, are energy centers located throughout our bodies which govern VERY aspect of who we are; mind, body and spirit.. Thus, if you’re suffering from an energy imbalance, it'll manifest via depression, emotional distress, being overweight or storing large amounts of weight in certain areas of your body, indicating that particular energy center is clogged and not circulating properly. Now, If this imbalance is ignored long enough, it'll eventually manifest through a physical ailment, possibly endangering your life, something to strongly consider and look into, further more. After diving deeper into the Chakras and their functioning, I realized my Solar Plexus, the 3rd Chakra(energy center) was clogged and not operating at it's optimum potential. The 3rd Chakra (Solar Plexus), is located right below our breast, in the center, governing our self-esteem, confidence, will and courage to take action on anything WE'RE meant to fulfill. It's the internal will and passion we carry to express our highest excitement. It displays "Who You Are" in physical form, without the fear or doubt to act on our highest excitements and bliss. Consequently, I was NOT exercising more of "who I really am", thus, resulting to clogged energy, causing weight to be stored and fat to manifest in that particular area.. Clearly, the creative, artistic aspect within me yearned to come out and play!! It NEEDED to be EXPRESSED and once it was expressed, it resulted to an energy release, equaling to a weight loss in the lower part of my chest... "HALLELUJAH", I SAID!!!
Then, sometime around June of 2013, I started to work on a project I had signed up for when I was in Mexico, this past October of 2012. I had promised my uncle and the priest of Jaripo, Michoacan, Mexico, that I would help raise funds to establish a retirement home that was in desperate need. Unfortunately, my own aunt was a victim of the underserved need. One of my fundraising methods was through my paintings, auctioning my art on canvas. I didn’t realize that this method would help accumulate a decent amount of funds... I was observing that my paintings were not just of value and healing to me but for others as well, being extremely rewarding for me in many different levels (Please refer to my painting album if you haven’t viewed my art).
In addition, I was announced queen for raising the most funds among 3 beautiful ladies that were also helping this cause. How magical is this, a talent that was recently uncovered, helped raise funds for a beautiful cause resulting me, to be crowned queen for raising the most funds.. If that’s not magical, than what is?!?!
In September of 2013, I declared a huge career change. I was experiencing that the Real Estate field was no longer serving me. I was finding painting and my classes to be a more exciting experience… I strongly believe, that by following your highest excitements, at all times, to the best of your ability, with absolute zero expectation of the outcome, is the path to your “magnetic north”, to what you’re meant to fulfill in this lifetime. So, by following this truth, I realized I had to retire the Real Estate experience. I had announced to the universe that I was going to entertain painting and expose my art to galleries… Man that felt good to declare, "anything but real estate", was how I was feeling at this point.. At times though, i would find myself feeling a little fearful. I was sooo conditioned to the real estate illusion that I would notice doubt poke it's head to scare me from this decision I had made. Never the less, I knew that was simply the ego "protecting" me... Telling me how can I move forward with this huge career change if I don't have anything secure or nothing concrete to fall back on... I then told my ego, "thank you, for protecting me...I know your duty is to protect me from getting "hurt", but you no longer need to worry. We're now embracing and experiencing a new "Game of Life", one that has your back at all times... Rest and TOGETHER we shall evolve."
Before I began the second round of art work, I decided to resume painting when I got back from Mexico this year(2013). I've had established a tradition after my mother passed, that tradition being to take a trip to Mexico every year, to honor and celebrate my mother’s passing and day of the dead. Now, what I didn’t realize was that I was going to have an impactful experience this time around… One that would change my life drastically …
As my sister and I were in Mexico this year, we experienced a series of emotions. First, we came to a disheartening awareness that the aunt whom inspired and encouraged me to help fund the retirement home, was in terrible conditions. We learned her circumstances were very disturbing, to say the very least and URGED us to change the current situation, to the best of our ability. Then, at another point throughout the trip, we found ourselves overwhelmed with gratitude to see the renovations for the retirement home, almost complete. We were witnessing the project I signed up to help, come to life right before our very own eyes. It sure was a thrilling experience, all whilst hurting for my dear aunts unfortunate circumstances. Note, if we really want this project to fully work, we need to register it into a non-profit organization with the intent to receive greater donations. I feel only then, through the tax write off opportunity, we can intrigue larger corporations or business owners to donate and or simply invite larger donations to the table. When the priest, whom I had promised my help to, disclosed how they were predicting to finish all renovations by January of 2014 , I received a nudging feeling that I, would be the one to register this project into a nonprofit. However, this would require me to move to Mexico, a hug requirement...
After a numerous of synchronistic events, and listening to all the "signs", I was intuitively guided to move to Jaripo, Michocan, Mexico, YES MOVE TO MEXICO, to further help my aunt Isabel and register this retirement home into a non-profit organization...
So... When am I scheduled to move to Mexico? This upcoming January of 2014, How EXCITING right?... A Journey that CONTINUES TO UNFOLD!!!!
I must say. I'm simply in ah, witnessing and gauging my current level of courage, faith and abundance because many years ago, I had a different "perspective" on how it should "look" to be ready and stable enough financially, to accomplish something like this.. I thought, when I had a certain monetary gain, I would finally be "ready" and stable to tackle my childhood wishes and dreams. The reason for the yearning riches, were to have the means to help all the else fortunate people in the world, to "feed" the poor... However, what I didn't realize was that my definition of abundance was imbalanced... I was actually being taught throughout my 29 years of life, through personal experience, to understand and "experience" TRUE, AUTHENTIC abundance... Abundance, that's forever lasting and creates a New Earth Paradigm.....
Cheers to that, my beloved friends and family.... Until Next Time.
Here we are, in the month of September, 2014, still residing in Jaripo, Michoacan; Mexico.
How has it been? A BEAUTIFUL MESS.
The day I arrived to Mexico, on January 20, 2014, my aunt, Isabel Meza Gonzalez’s health reduced drastically. She simply stopped eating; it was such an interesting shift. I felt within my core, she was waiting for my arrival, waiting for the promise I had made to her a few months prior, to be fulfilled so she can "let go" and transition over to her next journey. For those who yet have not heard, my auntie passed the next morning l arrived to Mexico, on January 21, 2014. Grateful I am, to have had the privilege to spend with her, the last night she had on earth….
As I sat next to her, on the bed she laid upon, I just knew she wasn't going to stay with us for long. I became overwhelmed with emotion, as I held her cold hands.. I strongly wanted her to hear my voice and FEEL she was LOVED and definitely not alone! That, was really all I could gift her on her last night on earth...
Now, if you recall, the primary reason for my move to Mexico, was my sickly aunt, whom I was to be her caretaker and suddenly, that "reason" vanished. Funny, how we can plan for something, yet in a split second, our plans can completely change...... As I observed what had oddly occurred, I understood she was used as a vehicle for this huge move that was required. Thus encouraged the decision to continue my stay in Mexico.
The first week I was here, I awkwardly wandered around this small town. I was surrounded with festivities; music, parades, all sorts of food stands and much more. It felt quite strange. A part of me felt my auntie’s death wasn’t being mourned quite fully by the town, considering she was known by many, practically all and served the Catholic Church since she was a child. I know death should be celebrated not mourned, in my world, symbolically speaking, death is like the moment of graduation but that comes to show how powerful societies “truths” influence us. This sure was an opportunity to invite myself to act on and further more embrace MY truth.
As I focused my energy towards my next “reason”, I realized there were more people eager and motivated to establish the nonprofit I committed to. It came as a surprise because I was under the impression that no one really wanted to take initiative in the matter (as the priest lead me to believe). Therefore, was encouraged to stand up to the plate.
When I began to meet with all parties involved, I realized we had a complete team. Felt as if everything was rapidly and divinely, falling into place. As we waited for all documentation to be processed, the legal rep of the non-profit and I, decided to start a book club/circle. We began to read the "Four Agreements", a self-growth, self-empowering book that helps one reclaim their life BACK! We're thankful to have witnessed this class be a success. We never thought to have the variety (all ages) of people that we did. These circumstances were showing us how this town was ready subconsciously, for something new…
Throughout that same timeframe, I was becoming “intimate” with my parents’ home town. I was also visiting new cities, towns and beautiful/magical places I had never been. As I embraced this more and more, I began to experience a PROFOUND happiness… I was immersed in the state of LOVE. It felt surreal and quite magical. I just knew I was right where I was supposed to be.
Now, when and how does our first guest in the house of assistance/retirement home, come into the picture?
While conducting our book club/reading circle, my uncle whom is the chief of tenancy, kind of like a mayor of a town, enters our gathering room calling to speak to me. There, he expressed how this elderly needed a place to stay and most importantly, third party assistance. He request if we can assist him and I immediately replied YES! I knew in my heart this was supposed to be a part of my “experience”. I was also aware, that if at the end of the day, I was to be the only person serving this man, for whatever reason, I would be completely fine with the outcome and THAT to me, was empowering to feel.
Amador Garcia Ruiz, is his name. He's an adorable individual that unfortunately, can barely walk and suffers from an odd disease where he mumbles when he speaks, cannot maintain to keep his mouth closed, drooling nonstop, and prefers to stick his tongue out because it just hurts too much. My heart broke when I observed his condition. He also suffers from a belief there’s money buried under his cousins house and will not rest until he retrieves the money. He says he can't sleep at night because spirits come to him, advising to dig up the money ASAP.
Every morning and throughout the day, without fail, he reminds me how he needs to dig up his money. Unfortunately, we can't let him go nor take him because the house is extremely secured, allowing no form of entrance to the premises without the key. Additionally, he's not in the conditions to be wandering around town by himself.
He's such a happy man. I asked him, why he’s so happy and smiling all the time... He said, "look at me, if I don't smile and be happy, what would be of me", words that hit home! I instantly smiled and thanked him for his positivity and told him he had inspired me to take my optimism to the next level. In fact, he's taught me much more. He's teaching me to deepen my unconditional love. I've learned to love him like my child, father, brother and most importantly, a FRIEND. I strive to serve him, like I would serve God, yes, GOD.
As a result of this love I give him, he’s aspires to be “more”. He aspires to be successful…. It’s fulfilling to witness how far he’s come. According to an uncle who use to provide his meals every day when he lived alone in Jaripo, stated he lived in an unsanitary, extremely filthy, very disheartening conditions. Never bathed himself. Ate, went to the restroom and slept, all in the same area because supposedly, he was too weak to walk to the appropriate and designated rooms. Not sure how he had enough will though, to dig up holes throughout the house to find his money, haha. I guess my method of approach to help him aspire for more was successful. All I did was simply give LOVE, show him affection via hugging him, constantly complementing him and assuring him he’s so handsome, signing to him songs I would randomly, in the moment, make up that included his name to make him FEEL special. I would tell him he’s such a clean person and that I LOVED and valued seeing him and his room clean. Moments when I would see his room dirty or trash where it didn’t belong, I would first remind him about his cleanness, praising him for it and would asked him if he agreed with what I was saying. He would say “yes”, and in turn, act surprised as to why his room or certain areas appeared dirty since he was a clean person and as a result, he would then attempt to explain himself and try a little harder to be “clean” thereafter.
I feel this approach is the most effective route, in oppose to getting upset or angry with him.. I realized my level of patience is pretty high, feeling extremely rewarded and proud of myself. It’s simply BEAUTIFUL how this ENTIRE experience is teaching me to be more humble... To take the definition of humbleness to a more elevated state and ABUNDANT from all this, is how I feel!
Then, suddenly, as if a veil was lifted, I began to experiencing the "dark side" of this fulfilling experience. Fear was leaking through....
Around the time we finished our read, “The Four Agreements”, the organized crime in Michoacán, Mexico decided to “visit” our small town for about a week or so, in the search of “information” and specific persons. The town was not used to seeing these individuals around town, especially NOT harassing people for “information”, while armed, at that. It really alarmed our people, I swear, it felt like a movie!! On the flip side, it was such a beautiful observation to see how these armed cats did not control our actions, we were still conducting our book club and my courageous attendees still decided to show up while most of the town stayed indoors to escape danger. I asked a few, “why not afraid to leave your homes at this delicate time” and they mentioned that if I, who’s never been exposed to such circumstances, is not afraid, then why should they be. I guess I infused them with FAITH, how inspiring!
I, for some divine reason, knew everything would be fine. I was just saddened that my family and friends had to be affected through the process, but EVERYTHING does happen for a divine reason and having that knowing, gives me peace of mind and peace at heart…
As the organized crime started to drift away, I uncovered that our town “leaders”, if you will, were operating under immense fear (to say the very least), unfortunately, affecting most of our townsman to lose faith in our fellow neighbors. For me, that was SUCH a disheartening realization. I didn’t realize the severity in the matter. I know, when one never travels outside of their small home town, one is limited with “information”. We limit our awareness. Experience EXPANDS our consciousness, thus gifting us understanding of the human species as ONE of endless results. In fact, I felt so disappointed about the circumstances, I thought about moving back to California, WHAT?!? Yes.. I felt I was fighting with something too “victimized” that I wasn’t going to get nowhere. However, something deep within me was telling me that, that’s precisely, one of the main reasons why I need to stay, to infuse my “wounded” people with FAITH and hope in humanity. To help them RESTORE their power, their birth right.
In addition, I learned we no longer were moving forward in registering the retirement home/house of assistance, into a nonprofit organization, stripping away my last initial reason, my “why”! How did I feel??? Confused as hell.. I had to immediately have an honest internal conversation, to understand the higher purpose of it all. Once again, I had to put one of my most practiced mantras into effect, “All happens for a divine reason, let go and all will fall into place”. Oddly, I was struggling to make peace with all the occurred. It’s as if I was “believing the dream”. I was feeling victimized, desperately grasping for balance. Restoring my balance around this time was very challenging. It felt strange because I thought I had enough “practice” to easily overcome this particular emotion. However, I did announce to the universe (I even made it formal and wrote it down, placed it where I can see it every morning to remind myself where I’m heading), in one of our reading classes, that I wished to BE: MORE WISE, MORE LOVE and MORE FREE, so how in hell do I expect to achieve the above state of mind, without PRACTICE in the equation?!?! Yes, the more elevated we wish to be, the more intense our life “tests” will manifest. I’m aware we will always meet with obstacles to overcome, challenges to face, so we can “experience” more of what we are made of and ASCEND to our next level of awareness. That my friends, will never cease to be. I also observed that I had descended, if you will, so I can in turn, ascend again and through the process (via my experience, with complete faith at heart) ascend the COLLECTIVE energy around me, an energy that’s extremely “heavy” and severely wounded. No wonder it was a more difficult experience than the past ones, “no bueno”, says this lady. Hahahaha =)
As I was in the practice of regaining my balance, the “students” and I, were implementing ACTION, manifesting into action, what had been learned in our book, “The Four Agreements”. We created an event and activity schedule for the week. It was inspiring to be exercising our highest excitements, while making a difference.
Monday, was reserved to visit the sickly and perform a prayer. What did we realize from this experience? All beings we visited, somehow someway, directly and or indirectly, needed our presence and prayers. It was beautiful to see the results of our visits, it was quite divine.
Tuesday, we gathered at my uncle’s house to memorize song lyrics to sing, as my dear uncle played them on his guitar. This enabled us to PLAY, to bring out the inner child, FUN! However, before I continue the description of our last activity of the week, I want to share the deep transformation this particular uncle of mine, experienced up to date..
This dear soul, prior to my arrival, was experiencing deep pain, he was a victim of his circumstances, of his reality. His method to escape his reality was via drowning himself in liquor. He yearned to escape to a more “loving”, less “heavy” place and being liquored up for 15 days or so STRAIGHT, was his method of approach. As MOST in town and especially family members whom are supposed to give him unconditional love, criticized him, judged him and condemned him for his actions, BUT I, was able to SEE him. See that version of himself that he, himself yet, was unable to see. I believed in him, I had FAITH in him, and he in turn, believed in himself and BLOSSOMED! He’s achieved so much since my arrival and I say this from the most humbled place within me. I’m PROUD TO ANNOUNCE he’s once again connected to civilization, LOL.. =P He works a STABLE job, has a bank account, has an operating landline, owns his 1st computer, has internet access (that he pays), took two computer courses and obtained his certificate of completion, is in the works of purchasing his FIRST car. He says he’s finally been inspired to LIVE! What a PRICELESS reward he’s gifted me.. To elaborate furthermore, several of my fellow team members, experienced empowering changes in their lives, achievements they NEVER expected to obtain. Witnessing this with all my senses, has been one of the MOST rewarding experiences of my life, no matter how tough my reality my appear, I will NEVER give up because I, indeed orchestrated this “beautiful mess”, to come to the awareness through the process of “experience”, that my definition of success is entering dark and fearful places, to only SEE clearly, it’s not real! I hold the magic paint brush to create the kind of world I wish to see, a more evolved, sustainable, and compassionate world.
Last but not least, our last activity of the week fell on Wednesday. This day was reserved to “clean up” our beautiful town, Jaripo. The mission behind picking up trash, was to slowly but surely, create awareness for a healthier and more sustainable earth. Unfortunately, in Mexico, I observed that littering is something normal. We don’t feel it’s our “responsibility” to maintain, anywhere outside of our physical home, clean. That duty apparently, does not belong to them. Dear family, let’s be more considerate of our mother Earth, she’s desperately seeking RESPECT, so she can have the capacity to give us what she yearns to express, together we can make a difference.
Also, what I’ve decided to take into effect, since day one, was to announce every morning, around 12noon, over the towns intercom, an inspirational quote of the day. Believe me; this was courageous because the first month or so (maybe still), I was considered CRAZY around town, Lol… You see, what you need to understand about me, is that in my world, “crazy” is good. It takes a CRAZY person to create change, to manifest a difference. =)
Another KEY observation made against my Jaripo fellowman, in regards to the FEAR of change has been pretty intense. I witnessed major resistance. Resistance in change, resistance to let go of old ways that no longer work, old habits, resistance to the concept there’s actually “good people” who are willing to “give” with ZERO expectation. It’s apparent that here, in this town, we have bought into the idea there’s` an ulterior motive for every selfless act.
Most of us here go to church every day, desiring, wishing to be heard by God, yearning for a more “loving” world but yet, when we see an example of what we’ve been praying for, we can’t seem to believe it still. We begin to criticize instead of a praise. It’s as if they can’t grasp the idea that there’s authentic people out there, whom perform selfless acts and have NO ulterior motive. Apparently, it’s harder to believe all the things I “do” coming from someone like “me”. Why? They say; I’m young, attractive, speak a “certain way”(that was a funny one), have proper mannerisms, dress nice, born and raised in the United States, whom is a school graduate, has experience in the financial services industry and has been in the real estate profession for MANY years. “It’s impossible, she must be running away from “something” back home”.
So, this brings up another interesting point. How should a person whom preforms selfless acts, need to” look”? What are the criteria or characteristics behind this particular character? Should it be an older woman, someone that’s not attractive, doesn’t speak proper Spanish, dresses ugly, is a noun, someone that goes to church every day??? Well, all I know, I don’t fit the “role”…Talk about the power of stereotyping, something we all unfortunately do, but in different levels, without realizing it..
So……why has this caused confusion or questioning? They feel, whom in the right state of mind, having “everything”, leave it all behind, basically sacrifice their life and move to Mexico, a third world country, to serve another, for ZERO compensation. It’s unfathomable for many here. I guess it could sound a bit crazy, but we DO EXIST PEOPLE!!! Inspired individuals like me, whom have a greater mission, a purpose to serve humanity, are indeed willing to let it all go, for a deeper, vaster consciousness. That’s the only way to feel ALIVE!
It even got to the point where they found themselves creating drastic and dramatic rumors around town such as: I must have committed a crime, got my papers taken away and got deported through the process, LOL, what a hellav a movie they’ve created.
Now, to get technical, it’s impossible because I was born in the United States, I’m not a permanent resident, thus there is no papers to be taken away if, I had committed a crime. Observing the degree of the rumor, only exposes the level faith we have against our human race.
People, this calls out for more acts of love so we can slowly but surely, believe in ourselves again and in each other, tilting the scale more towards the positive, sort to speak, to bring upon balance in the world. The time is NOW to act on our highest excitements, our truths so we can reprogram outdated belief systems, which no longer serve us, into belief systems that empower us and create a new earth paradigm.
An additional reason as to why my actions create a sense of uncomfortableness for the Jaripo, community is, according to my personal observations, it forces us to go inward and self-evaluate “who we are”, where we currently stand. I, have now become a mirror, reflecting an aspect of who they are, forcing one to see him/herself through me, causing self-evaluation; our character, our actions, our beliefs and that’s too scary of a thing to do and FACE. We say we want change in the world, but paradoxically NOT. That’s the duality and polarity effect. It’s getting more and more intense as the days go by. Look around, refer to the news, our world is struggling with this precise concept. What you’re currently seeing in the news, all the disheartening events happening around the world, is a prime example of the internal battles we are experiencing within, it has reflected onto our physical reality. We are spiritual beings having a human experience, thus still going through the learning and self-realizing experience. And only by seeing more loving acts, physically play out in front of thee, can we finally start to” believe” again.
September, sweet impactful and insightful September, the month where fall Equinox governs…A lot of chaos arose on this month. Chaos, that had to transpire, in order for “old”, outdated issues, to be surfaced and addressed. MUCH was being placed into perspective for me and those around me (won’t get into detail at this moment)…
Another AWESOME surprise I was blessed with on this month was the announcement of my pops, sister and my precious nephew’s trip to Mexico, to visit YOURS TRULY!!!!!!! And let me tell you, this was HUGE in so many different levels. My father, after my mother’s passing, declared he would NEVER come to Mexico because lots of unfortunate incidents had taken place. One of them being, being judged SEVERELY, by our whole family and the town of Jaripo, for not coming to Mexico, to pay his respects when my mother passed. Yes, my father was unable to attend this “nightmare” because he was simply too “weak” to do so. He gave me several reasons as to why he was unable to attend, but at the end of the day, they’re simply excuses. BUT, thanks to my level of understanding and strength, I had the capacity to not judge him. I knew I needed him and my whole family when all of this went down, but I had to be strong like ALWAYS and simply understand the circumstances... I understand we all operate differently, we mourn differently, and we handle the hardest moments of our entire lives in our “own way”, in the way we most feel safe in. And it’s sure as hell, not my place to judge their form of approach. With that said, who’s willing to visit a place you’re not “wanted”? Not many.
What my daddy didn’t anticipate was that one of his precious daughters in the years to come, would take a drastic step and MOVE to Mexico. This move of mine caused MAGIC! It forced my father to overcome a fear, a fear of facing all whom “resist” him, all who got hurt by his absence on October 30, 2010, his beloved’s passing. His longing desire and love to see his “Inda”(AKA ME), was stronger than FEAR, ah-simply beautiful, the power of emotions.
As their estimated time of arrival was approaching (10/9/2014), I was getting a little nervous; I didn’t know upon their arrival, what type of dialogue was going to transpire amongst my father and the entire family. Nor was certain where he was going to stay since he didn’t feel comfortable ANYWHERE. It was so difficult… The only place he felt most comfortable at, unfortunately, the household was having marital issues, clearly not a suitable place to stay. The second place that only seemed most suitable in our eyes, was at his bothers house, an uncle he’s felt resentment towards for quite some time. Oh, Boy. =( All I can say is, the universe has jokes, hahaha =).
When they arrived on October 9th, indeed my daddy was convinced by my uncle, his brother, to stay at his house, HALLELUIAH!! What I didn’t anticipate was the following. I thought, since my father was coming to visit me, he would “wear” his super nice and attentive attitude suite towards me, WRONG. My dad’s “weaknesses” began to surface.
My pops is a character that is submerged in a pool of victimizing emotions. Since he was born, he’s felt he was not loved by his parents, therefore, would commit self-destructive acts as a kid, with the intent to receive any form of attention. To him, any type of attention (even if it was negative), is affection. So, this lack of love, since childhood, caused a severe trauma. This caused the need of someone loving him. Once that” love” he expected from anyone outside of himself, such as his wife, would “appear” to diminish, he would in turn, get resentful and bitter. He would start to feel alone again, taking himself back to his past, imprisoning himself as a byproduct. I will confess, I’ve been one of daddy’s favorites; I was “daddy’s girl”.
For some cosmic and divine reason, I was EXTREMELY connected to my father as a child. It was as if I couldn’t “live” without his presence, it was pretty intense… As life happened, our bond started to lessen. He felt this shift, and again got disappointed by love, he felt the only person that’s supposed to love him unconditionally(son), let him down. Basically, stopped loving him in the way he’s defined it to “look”, habitually taking himself back to the past.
What was happening throughout my father’s visit here was that everything was divinely aligning itself, aligning to reach “balance”. Consequently, calling forth chaos and feelings of uncomfortableness for all involved.
Let me Explain.
Initially, when the idea of me moving to Mexico arose, my father did not approve of it. He was scared. Scared that I would leave him “behind”, scared that my love for him would diminish, scared that something would happen to me because Mexico, was said to be dangerous. Scared, that I would slowly forget about him….. =(
So, when he learned about my decision to move to Mexico, to take care of my sickly aunt, he got jealous and began to get angry with me. He pulled every card he could think of to make me reconsider; from being angry, upset, quiet, sad, he even tried to blackmail me, if you will, to get me to feel sorry for him. He began to say, why in the world, would I take care of someone other than him, why all the way in Mexico, when my own father needs my attention and care as well. You can only imagine the level of “victim” he was in.
Now, let me fast forward. He comes to Mexico, uncovering that my uncle, whom he’s resentful with, has practically “adopted” me due to the awesome bond we’ve developed here in Mexico. This practically broke his heart. In a sense, my father felt I was substituting his “place” and the love that is shared amongst father and daughter. This broken emotion he was feeling, took the best of him because he started to be extremely negative towards me and the whole situation. He began to insult me, say I was a fool to leave what I had, to come to a place of “misery”..
Statements, that broke MY heart. Thank God, I’m a person that seeks not approval from people, to do what I love, but for some reason, subconsciously, I uncovered I “secretly” still seek his because it hurt me tremendously when he was saying the above. I was sad that “supposedly”, my own father wasn’t capable of seeing the magic that was being created by this move.
Through this emotion, I, on the other hand, realized I still needed to heal outdated definitions…. So, I chose LOVE. I chose to understand him and in turn he began to see he was screwing up. He had come all the way from the States to only hurt his daughter he loves profoundly?!? This helped him place things into perspective and began to shift his attitude.
Simultaneously, has this was happening, he was observing that he had no reason to continue to carry this resentment towards his brother. He realized that instead of being resentful, he should be grateful that his daughter has someone here, someone that wishes to protect her, something my father felt he can’t do from back home. Surprisingly, my father began to show his brother gratitude, in his own way, for “looking out” for his youngest child. He even disclosed that he was going to let go of the past. WOW, it was a beautiful, oh so beautiful thing to witness him say because I knew how saddened he was by the past.
Another healing monumental moment was with my mother’s side of the family. They made it a point to come from at far to visit my father, to assure him that they were no longer upset and or hurt by his absence on the day ”of”. They made it known, they loved and accepted my father, something my dad was so surprised to experience. I knew within the depths of my soul, my mother was present… She was playing a huge role in orchestrating this magical encounter. She was waiting for this precise moment to occur so she can dance endlessly in gratitude, in the heavens above. My beautiful and loving mother knew my father yearned for this healing to transpire so he can slowly but surely, chip away the cell he’s created for himself. He’s smelling freedom…….
As we continue in the month of October, this little light of yours has chosen to dip her presence in the realms of politics, oh boy... Actually, I shouldn’t say it in that context. As of now, it’s been working in my favor SO, I’m grateful! = ) let me paint the picture for a better understanding.
I have an uncle whom is the chief of tenancy, in Jaripo (like a mayor, the one mentioned earlier). Unfortunately, many people from this town do not seem to respect him due to the immense negativity this town is summered in, consequently, leaking over to the presidency of the municipality. In other words, when he’s requesting for their assistance, they reject his request, and or ignore him all together, that’s politics for you! =(
But, somehow my intuition was warning me that I would be involved in the mix, with the objective to achieve solutions to our town problems. And sure enough, my intuition was on point and in the state of gratitude, achieving solutions.
For example, we’ve been suffering with the lack of working town lighting. 46 of our town light bulbs were blown and the president of the municipality would not help my uncle with the purchase of some bulbs. Unfortunately, my uncle does not have the funds to purchase the expensive bulbs, therefore, has been an ONGOING issue. I observed through synchronicities, I needed to attempt to address this issue. So I met with the president and well prepared I might add, to advise we needed his assistance. Thankfully, he seen my dedication and disclosed how he’s heard about my efforts and activities I’ve been performing in Jaripo, for a more conscious town, acknowledging how I care about humanity and thus, will grant my request, but wishes for my help in return. He wants to execute a project that benefits our community and mentions he can’t do it alone. However, what I want to thoroughly investigate is if this project indeed is mostly benefiting our community and not his pockets….
Also, as I was in the energy rebalancing mode, the symptoms I’ve been experiencing these past months were feelings like time is of the essence. Like there is no time to waste because there’s an immense sense of urgency to complete or achieve “something”. I feel there is so much I can bring forth in this town. I see this town like a HUGE blank canvas that’s waiting to be painted on with the colors of LOVE! There is a buffet of things I can focus my energy towards.
For example; Start a new read for our book club, expand and continue our inspiring activities, go to schools to speak to our leaders of tomorrow, update my journal more often, paint, sing as often as I can, learn to play an instrument, help my family members increase their revenue in their businesses, and the list goes on and on, but I just can’t seem to decipher which “action” is more important, it’s as if they equally deserve my attention and there is no one thing more important than the other. It’s a little frustrating; I’m not going to lie….
Due to this internal uneasiness I’ve been undergoing, I’ve decided to just step back, and relax. Give myself love, do things that pamper Miss Josie, so I can clear my mind and allow my internal compass to guide me in the direction of my blueprints. Anyone care for wine??? Hahahah, I guess there’s nothing wine can’t fix, right! =)
So, as I’ve been wining and dining self, I’ve concluded to address my so it appears, yearly update on here(my journal), and include y’all in the SCOOP. In addition, my intuition is telling me soon, I shall be experiencing another HUGE change in my life. Until then, all I can do is act on my “yesses”, and one of them is to continue to build a relationship with the president of all the small, nearby towns to achieve solution to problems.
Another self-realization I find quite empowering, is that I KNOW I have the COURAGE to get up and go, move anywhere around the world without the fear of funds nor the fear of leaving everything I own behind. I thought I would be more dependent of my material belongings, but that was not the case. When I was initially packing for Mexico, I was feeling nervous; I thought I would find myself feeling the lack of a car, clothes, shoes, purses, some meaningful items and accessories, due to the fact I only took a total of 3 suite cases, 1 big and the other 2, carry on sizes. Mind you, most of my packed items were paintings, canvases and painting tools. I even prepped several boxes for shipment, but never found the need to have them shipped to me. I recall in the past, seeing one of my best friends move quite often and thinking to myself, how horrible must the packing and unpacking process be and everything else that entails to move. I had this crazy “definition” that I would be leaving something very important behind and that I wasn’t capable of selling, giving nor throwing away “stuff” I felt I no longer needed because eventually, I would find a purpose to those items…
This free spirited friend I speak of, would sell, give and or throw away much of her belongings within the moving process and I would think to self, “why in the world would you do that if you’re going to find herself purchasing those items or similar to, again”.
I can honestly state it was really admirable to see her not have an attachment to things and places. For her, things come and go and having less stuff or having your surroundings less cluttered, meant having a better ability to think more clearly..
I also witnessed that when you are limited with clothes, one can embrace their creativity and play around with their existing garments. It really feels good to be able to wear EVERY piece of garment I own in the closet. Being a girl and saying this is pretty big.
This move helped me experience I don’t need no more than what I currently have, it’s suffices, it’s enough, in fact; I can do with less stuff.
So NOW, I finally understand my friend. I FINALLY understand her ability to move all the time, her ability to be a Gypsy…..
November 12, 2014
It’s now November 12, 2014, and I have finally made some free time to continue this dialogue with you shinning bright stars. Lot’s has recently occurred. First, my mother’s 4th year anniversary of her departure to heaven, and for those who have been following my adventures and been accompanying me through this journey of mine, are aware, I’ve implemented a tradition to come to Mexico every year, after my mother passed, to CELEBRATE her day of “graduation” and Day of the Dead.
It was quite interesting this year through. Why? I was already here for this special, sacred day. Also, I was not going to be accompanied by any of my siblings this year because those who typically accompany me, already had came to visit me weeks prior, as expressed above. And I’m ok with that or else, if my sister and dad would have come weeks later to attend the day of 10/30/2014, I would have not been able to see my precious nephew due to his school vacation falling under the beginnings of October. Poor thing, he's been yearning to visit Mexico, for a long time now but never has had the opportunity to accompany us in the past because of school not permitting it. Therefore, mom finally decided to grant his wish and bring him to Mexico, on his school vacation, YAAAY, his presence is sure a gift.
As my mother’s “day” was approaching, I was certain I wanted to invite the whole community of Jaripo, to her special mass. I wanted to share this scared experience with ALL OF THEM. Thus announcing the invitation to attend her mass over the towns intercom. GRATEFUL I was, to see many attend her mass. I also wanted my friend and family Amador Garcia Ruiz, to attend this celebration that meant sooo much to me. Having him there was so special, he sat right next to me- a very rewarding feeling!! After her mass, we continued the celebration- A small dinner was followed and we “played” as I knew internally, my inspiring mother would have wished it to be.
Simultaneously, as I was prepping for my mother’s “day”, I was also helping a dear friend create flower arrangements for the upcoming event, Day of The Dead on November 2, 2014. It was such a beautiful experience, being in an OCEAN of flowers (“yeeees, imagine swimming in an ocean of flowers, hahaha”). So……… Let me share a “secret” behind my obsession with flowers.. Throughout my “dating” years (rephrase, “should have been dating” years), I remember receiving a few (literally only a few) set of flowers. I mean, I had admirers and all, but never lucky enough to be surprised with flowers (you stingy men, jk, JK).. =( I remember thinking it was quite odd, hahah. I recall, due to the fact I was not receiving flowers, I would make it a point to gift them to my friends and family on their birthdays or on special occasions. My belief system is “give those, that what you wish to receive or experience”. I guess a part of me was indeed receiving them, since we’re all one and connected, right?! See, always choosing to see the sunny side of things.
Well, there you have it, the story behind my “flower trauma”, Lol. =P
Now, I depart for a while and in the state of gratitude, I declare:
In Mexico, I’ve felt and have achieved the MOST SUCCESS OF MY ENTIRE LIFE and paradoxically, have been the poorest I’ve ever been…
Never, I say NEVER buy into the perception that only until you have enough money, can you focus on your dreams. Do not let the lack of money dictate the start to your “YESSES”. The sky is yours, a unique star waiting to illuminate the universe, is Who You Are.
¡SALUD! To having it NO OTHER WAY!!!
February 11, 2016
O.M.God.---> Sums up the following……
But, before I dabble into the catastrophic events I encountered, I want to mention a piece of information I accidentally failed to share in my previous entry, but definitely something to be proud of so, I disclose.
As we performed our inspiring activities throughout the week, we found ourselves in a position to place a hold to them because my dear uncle (Chief of Tendency) requested and desperately needed our help. This “service”, required us to assist him in raising a specific amount of funds for an event he’s responsible to orchestrate and fund every year for the community of Jaripo. Well, what was unfortunate for us was that he gave us such a short notice. He needed these funds like "yesterday", to cover the musician/band cost. So...what did this mean for us, whom volunteer to help and inspire our community??? To say "yes", and work twice as hard to raise the cost for this event that takes place every September.. In Mexico, or in Jaripo anyway, it’s tradition to do a “Kermes”, which is to sell food and provide music(DJ), as one's enjoying their dinner to raise funds for the community. Since I like to consider myself one whom thinks outside the box, I didn’t want it to be any ordinary “kermes”, I wanted this to be the NEW and IMPROVED KERMESES in town, hahaha, with the sole objective to sell more in such a condensed timeframe. Thus, we made it a point on the days we selected to sell food, to work throughout the whole day; sale breakfast, lunch and dinner and in addition, make the Kermes that much more entertaining to achieve the goal that appeared far-fetched- Man, that was a MISSION, it really drained us. Why? We needed help for EVERYTHING, from as many hands as possible, to asking for donations to fund the food that's going to be sold the day of..
In one of our events we announced we were having a "grand event", an event offering contests for the children, teenagers and adults, raffles, DJ, and special performances... And... One of those surprise performances being me, hi!=) I decided that this event would be a perfect opportunity to face one of my fears, a fear that I absolutely LOVED exercising when I was a child, up until high school… =(
What is this "fear" I speak of? Singing. As a child I was so animated, I LOVED dancing and singing in front of people, I guess it made me feel free to say the very least. Thankfully, through the process of I, saying "YES" to my uncle's plead for help, I was able to rekindle with my "performing phases" and reunite with the authentic and pure Josie I soo adore. And luckily, the audience embraced me as well(Soy una nina FELIZ). =P
I must say, we were a HELL-OF-A-TEAM because under this condensed time frame, we accomplished our mission. Miraculously, we raised the EXACT figure we needed to cover the cost and provided a HELLUV A SHOW! We were quite the talk around town you know. These actions and accomplishments birthed belief in oneself. It displayed that whatever the mind seeks to achieve, by implementing action, success will follow suit......
Now, fast-forwarding to where we left off...... Do you recall I expressing how I had a strong intuitive feeling that I would be experiencing a HUGE change? Well, I SURE DID! (Please refer to my 2nd journal entry for complete understanding.)
And, I’m left with this question;
What does one do when your whole reality collapses and you're left with nothing?
Around early November, I began to strongly marinate on a "dream" I had stored in my heart. A message that I thought was revealed to me in the year of 2012. I believed with all my heart, I had finally found that very "thing" I subconsciously, was seeking to find all my life. To say the very least, this revelation made my heart beat louder and COMPLETE.
However, I arrived to a rude awakening. I unveiled the superseding truth to this "belief". This magical "truth" that apparently had been achieved via following my intuition, was no longer valid or true. OUCH, it hurt deeply because I was so loyal to my intuition. I valued and RELIED upon my "intuitive compass" to navigate through my internal universe.. I practically had given all my power to this unseen, non-tangible feeling that some may call blind Faith. Embracing and having a strong sense of intuition, was a method I measured my success to. I believed my intuitive abilities, was the very KEY to my future in finding and reuniting with a more cosmic version of "self" thus achieving a greater level of personal growth thereafter. Once I realized this "dream" no longer was real, I felt betrayed, let down and wounded! I felt I could no longer trust myself. This was hard to face but paradoxically, I honored it as part of a necessary experience because everything does happen for a divine reason, right?
As I practiced techniques to help myself detach from a deep rooted belief I had created, I decided to invest the rest of my energy towards circumstance that did indeed physically exist in my current reality. One of them being: Amador Garcia Ruiz, my community services and my dear uncle whom had been sober for a whole year now. I guess what I was doing was rerouting my focus to areas that reflected “my success” and simultaneously, acting on the "letting go" of thoughts that weakened me, for strength.
As I planned our next activity, something was nudging me to go visit my uncle(the recovered alcoholic, for reference) and personally tell him to be available for the day of our next community event.. As I was knocking on his door, no one answered. That seemed quite strange because typically he's home, but I let it go and went on with my day. The moment I realized he never showed up to our cleaning event and realized he had work in the evening, I made it a point to go to his house and knock until someone opened the door, and sure enough, someone opened the door and it was my uncle, but under the influence of alcohol, He. Was. Drunk...........
At this point, I was so shocked; it hurt me to see him drunk. I couldn't believe he had relapsed. As I began to converse with him, he started to open up emotionally, expressing he was embarrassed to be seen like this. He began to get emotional and say he let me down, that he was so very sorry for disappointing me and for I, to forgive him.. I conveyed to him the only person he needs forgiveness from, is himself because he, most importantly, let himself down! He also mentioned how his parents, my grandparents, never showed him affection throughout his growing years. He yearned for love and affection from his parents; he suffered from the lack of love (based on his reality). My uncle proceeded to describe how his parents used to beat him for no valid reason, how they were violent and uncompassionate with him and his siblings. This saddened me to hear, however, confirming once again he turns to liquor to escape these deep rooted memories, traumas that still hurt today. At this point, I realized he needed a deeper level of help. All I was able to offer him at that moment was to tell him that I loved him unconditionally and that he IS RELEVANT, a human being who is worth a UNIVERSE... I also conveyed once he was sober and ready to seek for help, to come and see me because I refused seeing him under these self-destructive conditions............. Once I was alone with my thoughts, I began to get flooded with emotions. I was disappointed. Apparently, I did "expect" for my uncle to be permanently recovered. Then, shortly after, once I learned my uncle had lost his job due to his "no shows", a stronger sense of disappointment came over me. Weakening thoughts were leaking through the flood gates... I felt I was losing control, I was doubting myself and decreasing my level of confidence because it didn't help to hear from my surroundings, that they knew he wasn't going to last, or that it was a matter of time for his relapse episode. What a shame, instead of encouraging, we discourage our brothers and sisters as a method to feel better about ourselves. What our insecurity drives us to do...
The frequency the word "failure" vibrates in, was piercing through my energy magnetic field, no bueno...................................... :(
After fully grasping what had occurred with my uncle, I had to make a choice, to be vibrating in a victim state, or "sing" my way out of fear? Love(to the best of my ability), was what I chose. To exercise actions that raise my vibrational frequency and repeat optimistic mantras like, "all happens for a divine reason, let go and have faith."
With that said and done, I started to more so nurture and protect the last "successful thing” I had left. In my world, I felt it was necessary to hold on tightly to one of the last “accomplishments” I felt, as of yet, had not fallen apart-Amador Garcia Ruiz.. Back in October, I had expressed to my friends and family that I was thinking about returning to the states between the months of February and March of 2015, HOWEVER, would not leave UNTIL Amador Garcia Ruiz existed on “paper”. What do I mean by exist on paper? Well, Amdorsito, did not have any credentials nor documentation to show he exists in this world with the exception of a certificate of baptism and that my friends, was NOT enough to get him registered and qualified to receive government help. The specific help that he desperately needs consist of a small box of food that’s dispersed to the less fortunate people every month and 70 dollars they give to those whom are 60+ years of age (the seniors), every 2 months.. I knew I had to start from the bottom to accomplish my objective, and let me tell you, it was a mission. I had to actually create his birth certificate, needing witnesses to validate that they knew who he was and indeed was the person I was saying he was to be, his identification card, particular ID’s and other sealed documentation that were required to enroll him for the government help the state of Michoacán offers. Needless to say, after a team effort, the MISSION WAS ACCOMPLISHED. BUT, what happened in the following, came as a HUGE surprise....
A week or so after enrolling him to the government help programs, Amador Garcia Ruiz, passed away. He passed on December 7, 2014. "WHAT A CATASTROPHE!" screamed every cell in my body. This was all I needed to experience to go downhill and very fast at that.. It was crazy to witness before my very own eyes how all my "successes" were dropping like flies. I lost EVERYTHING I worked soooo hard to achieve. My reality as I knew it to be, has officially collapsed…
Amador’s death was definitely outside my radar. In fact, I thought his health was improving. The most distraught part of it all was that I was the one to find him dead… I couldn’t believe what I was witnessing when I found him lying there; I was so in shock, symptoms of fainting were traveling throughout my being. Numerous of thoughts ran across my mind, I didn't know how to even begin to process it all…I felt every negative emotion a human being could possibly endure, I was SCARED.. This took me back to the feelings of betrayal. I was once again betrayed by my intuition, by God, my spirit guides. I secretly felt that if something like this was supposed to happen that I would have been forewarned, but that wasn’t the case here. WHY? This hit me like a ton of bricks, why would God place me under these circumstances where now there is an open door for people to” attack me…” I felt targeted more so than ever, I was now vulnerable. Everything said against me or for me, caused an emotional reaction. I found myself needing to confront people to clarify or correct negative and false rumors being spread around town. I even came to hear that I caused for this to happen, that it was my fault. This broke my heart, I know in my heart I did the best to my ability to serve him and serve my community, I juggled so much because I felt while I’m here, I’m going to do it big, to be the most effective I could possibly be and make use of this courageous move. Go BIG or GO HOME, was my thought process.. It’s interesting how they were quick to speak negative but NEVER did they come around to visit him nor extend a helping hand(refer to my previous entry for a better understanding)… I’m broken, my “brother” has passed, someone I learned to love so much, that I couldn’t bear to hear negativity. I knew at that point that I needed to move from where I was living. There was no reason for I to continue to live there because Amadorsito, had passed away. =(
I recall thinking, “can a bird just shit on me now, can God just kick me in the stomach and call it a day?!?!” So, why? WHY was I not worthy of having a magical outcome? “I’m tired of having faith and not getting results…”, said this wounded Josie…….
I moved to two places, meaning I took my belongings to two places, down the street from where I was living at and to Tocumbo, a town that’s about 50 minutes away from Jaripo. My cousin felt it would be beneficial to go back and forth but more so be in Tocumbo, so I can step away from the overwhelming energy and heal from the victimizing emotions I was submerged in. I could’ve just moved back to the states because after all, the only person keeping me in Mexico was Amadorsito. However, I didn’t want to move back to the States until I made peace with what had occurred. I didn’t want to leave Mexico, with a funky feeling in my heart.. I wanted to heal here and be at home anywhere I go. I do NOT want to run away from the problem.
As I tried to heal, I couldn’t hide nor mask the depressed feelings I was enduring, Once again, I reached a low, an ugly point in this journey. Apparently, I had lost everything I had gained throughout the past 4 years. My level of intuition, positivity, and loyalty to self.. I felt like my whole Reality, everything I thought I knew to be true about "who I am" and \where I was headed, COLLAPSED!! I was left with ZERO! When you feel you have nothing to show for or feel like a failure and betrayed by life, depression starts kicking in… . . I once again began to feel like I no longer wanted to be “here”, playing this game of life, I just wanted to check-out PLEASE! I felt like doing nothing, I simply wanted to sleep and sleep, as a method to escape my reality.
My feelings: "I’m left to start OVER again!"
This triggered past emotions of depression, an emotion I STRONGLY wished to stay away from surfaced and my beautiful cousin was trying to do everything within his power to encourage me. To help me see all I had accomplished throughout this journey. He would check up on me to verify that I would eat each day because to be honest, I didn’t want to eat; it was as if I wanted to punish myself for the HUGE let down I was experiencing. He would do any and every kind of errand I requested. Anything I asked for, he would grant it(ask and you shall receive) as if I was some kind of queen, or Goddess. Ironically, instead of making me feel good, it irritated me, sometimes even got me angry because I basically wanted to "suffer", I wanted to punish myself, if you will. After continuously witnessing this unconditional love he was pouring onto me, I couldn’t help but to think that perhaps he was “serving” me because of everything I had done for Amador Garcia Ruiz, perhaps I was experiencing instant Karma, for lack of better words. But this still made me feel miserable; feeling victimized and let down by God, aka-the universal intelligence. At this moment, I knew there was something to be unveiled, a definition that I had perhaps placed upon that needed to be surfaced and redefined. Let’s not forget, we experience anything and everything according to the way we define it(things) to be. Example: If you’ve defined that success means making a certain annual income and you, as of yet, have not reached that goal or perception, you WILL feel unsuccessful and unworthy consciously or subconsciously, exposing yourself to experience a “lack of” and or enter a certain state of depression, and that is NOT fun. So, be conscious of how you define life or anything for that matter because you- my friend, will experience the effect of that definition.
As I was “allowing” of myself to search for my inspiration all over again, the opportunity to go to the beach arises. Yes, I go to the ocean and I GIVE AWAY all I cannot understand to the vast body of water. I gave myself an opportunity and allowed the ocean to transmute the pain, doubt and fear, I was carrying, into a taste of HOPE.…….
My cousin was in pure AWE, he couldn’t believe how powerful and impactful the ocean was for me. He mentioned how my emotional state shifted to a 180 degree angle. He was inspired! It was super interesting to observe how when the moment I decided to give myself another opportunity to start over and begin the journey of the search for the initial spark of inspiration again, how doors of opportunity for awareness simply opened. I was aligning the right circumstances and persons to flow through my energy field to make myself aware of what definitions and truths I was still honoring, that just no longer served me….
For Example; after feeling like I let go of “baggage”, I was starting to feel like I was obtaining more self-awareness. Energetically, there was finally room to do so. Thoughts of my father, relative to emotions of rejection and suppression were surfacing. I knew there was something important to be uncovered there. Aspects I was denying within me needed to be SEEN. So, I decided to dive deep into that particular awareness and be completely present with that emotion. I finally realized the reasons why I, most of the time, didn't have the patience to be around my father when he spoke negative, there was some form of "attachment" or definition I placed against him that didn't make me feel at ease.
He was that EXACT physical construct of “fear” and level of depression I NEVER wanted to be back in(last experienced was when my mother passed). The way he judged depression and suffering was apparently the same why I judged it deep within thyself. My father, as expressed in my previous entry, was immersed in victimhood. Since I could remember, he would ALWAYS vocalize how he preferred to kill (yes kill) himself but the only reason why he didn’t move forward with that action was because it was an unforgiving SIN and thus go to HELL for that. He expressed with such pain in his voice how it was easier to be dead! To him, living in this world meant swimming in an ocean of suffering and PAIN! Imagine, seeing your parents, the people whom you learned to love unconditionally, display this concept throughout your childhood and adulthood years, you subconsciously start adopting their beliefs. You secretly, start believing that this world will only offer suffering and that at the end of the day, it’s easier and liberating to just not be "here!"
FINALLY, I understand why when I would find myself feeling miserable, in a victim state and or “unsuccessful,” I would prefer to “Check Out”. Apparently, it was what was taught to me since I was a baby. It was actually inherited to me via cellular DNA(our cells carry memory). It’s so crazy to come to the awareness how this idea really wasn’t my own. I actually adopted it from my father…. My father’s belief still dwelled in me THUS irritation within me would surface when he spoke "darkness".
You see, we were given the EGO for a reason. The ego is the illusion of separation, it's what helps us expand and become self-realized and eventually merge as one; to our natural state in this reality. It's our greatest tool for enlightenment. So, when one denies that what we are made a part of, we're essentially not accepting our complete self. Thus, were CONDITIONALLY loving ourselves and that does not work when you're in the journey of becoming whole, aka unconditional love. I can honestly express why I'm NO victim here- I completely attracted this experience. I basically orchestrate this level of "darkness" in my reality to make known that I was not fully accepting of myself. I would only love and appreciate myself when I was INSPIRED and or achieved internal/external success one way or another! An aspect of me was in desperate need to be integrated with the whole. It no-longer wanted to feel abandon.. WOW, HOW POWERFUL IS THIS CONCEPT!!!!!!!!!!!
Now, lets recap so we can fully grasp what’s happening here. When you resist an aspect in someone, that’s your queue that you’re resisting it in YOU hence judging yourself for it. When one authentically experiences unconditional love, you don’t need to change anyone nor anything to feel content or "right". You just love and accept them exactly as they are because they are perfect as-is. Only when you’re still judging an aspect of yourself, will you feel compelled to judge THAT, in others. And those closest to you, will be the perfect instrument to bring that out in you and make apparent that fractured state that yearns to be integrated and whole again.
After conceptualizing the above, I decided to accept me, to love me regardless of having self-destructive thoughts. Have no need to change or shun away these feelings because I'm being wrong or not “spiritual enough”, or feel embarrassed or shameful for not embodying that which I preach and teach----> INSPIRATION and unconditional love! I finally chose to not judge me for feeling these extremely low vibrational emotions I thought I had permanently ascended from. Moments in which I would get emotional and begin to cry, I would literally hold myself and express how I still LOVED ME, how it was OK and honorable to feel such pain and disappointment. I guess the reason why it was so hard to see myself like this was because it would take me back to when I was a little girl... Seeing my father in such pain. I recall strongly wanting to save him from himself and not EVER wanting to be in that state of mind because it was disabling and imprisoning! In addition, I must have secretly believed it was impossible to climb out of this darkness all over again. That I would not have no other method of approach to see the light this 2nd time around(Note: my 1st episode was when my mother passed). Not to mention, it didn't help to observe my father in that state of mind at the current moment.
So... Could it be? Could I some day ever feel authentically inspired?
To Be Continued...